Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.

Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.

The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this

Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

Meow

walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid

I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.

Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…

Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

[Jeopardy]

Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.

Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.

Me: [buzz] what is summer.

Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.

Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*