Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware

Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud

Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.

Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.

Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up

“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying

Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”

My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

listen closely

Me: Who drank all my beer?

Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.

Me: So is that a confession?

It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over

Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.