Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.

You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

me: I made a model of the himalayas

friend: did you build them to scale?

me: no, just to look at

friend: what

I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.

Parents: You better eat all of your food, there are children starving in China!

Me: Well, can’t we send them this?

Parents: Go to your room.

Hilariously true story. 🤷😆🤣🤦

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

Meal prep? No need to prep here, I’m prepared for a meal AT ALL TIMES!

The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

You excited to watch the Super Bowl?

“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”

[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*