first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
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Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Finally, an explanation.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Can’t stop laughing
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.