First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
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‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Okay, that made me chuckle 😂
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?
Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.