First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
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Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
house sitting!
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
[post sex]
Her: I wonder what he’s thinking about, I hope it wasn’t bad
Me: if you made tea from lizards it’d be called chamomeleon