First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
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*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Girls Just Want To Have Naan
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio