First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
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Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
when they have a dream sequence in a movie, how do they film the person’s dream?
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Me: “I’m not going to spend any money today.”
Life: “That’ll be $200.”
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
this got me crying😭😭
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
