first date idea we go to marriage counseling
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We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Impressing the woman sitting next to me on the plane by scrolling through all the games on my Nintendo Switch and muttering “too easy” under my breath at each one.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.