Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.

I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

TEETH IS INNOCENT

On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

*Both show rock

Again!

Caveman: This game is stupid.

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

LinkedIn: where you desperately hope that one idiot you had a drink with six years ago can somehow help get you a job.

Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.

Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting

People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?

CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?

ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small

The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.

[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-L

Me: *your

Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E

“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.

Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩

[texting]

So what’s your name?

“ily”

omg this is moving too fast.

ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.