First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
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There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Spreading a sheet of creamy peanut butter onto a dinner plate & then eating it with a knife & fork.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.