First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
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I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
My daily affirmation
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Watson was Holmes schooled
Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house