Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

me: hey, can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: could I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vows

Wife: *recites beautiful vows*

Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount

“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List

if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what

[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.

Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

Sometimes I’m right.

Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.

Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”