Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.

[on first date]

Let me get that for you.

*holds door open*

“May I help you, sir?”

Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…

My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.

We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.

We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.

That sums up parenting pretty well.

Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?

Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me

Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

where the womens at?

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

(Going through Emergency Go Bag)

Hubs: We have no matches or flint

Me: We don’t need any

Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?

Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”

first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.

The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.

Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.

When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?