First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.
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Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
😩😩😩
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Levels of ceiling fan:
-Hurricane
-On .. ish
-How do I turn this off? maybe it’s on.. wait, is it almost off? no it’s still on
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
I’ve never protested anything before but dude when I found out that pigs have like 300 nipples bruh, I was mad as hell. I made a sign for my yard about it, you know, and I stopped eating pigs milk man I didn’t touch pigs milk for maybe a month.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.