First Date Idea: We throw on old-timey baseball uniforms and slowly walk out of corn fields to confuse people passing by.
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Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Stuck behind a student driver at a 4-way stop, tell my family I’ll return one day
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Why did a spider just crawl out of the pants that I’ve been wearing all day?
WHY DID A SPIDER JUST CRAWL OUT OF THE PANTS THAT I’VE BEEN WEARING ALL DAY?!
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
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1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
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got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this