first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
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Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
😂🖐️
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.