first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
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I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
My mind is like someone dumped the entire junk drawer on a trampoline
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
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