Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

I don’t want Happy Hour at a bar.

I want Angry Hour at the grocery store when I get discounts on groceries they rearranged since the last time I went there and shopped.

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

Yoda: *dies and fades away*

Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.

Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.

Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.

Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.

6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.

Thanks 2020!!!

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else

I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside

My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered

My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.

I met a married woman today, she’s been married for 45 years . I asked her what’s the secret – how did they do it?

She said they the secret is that her and husband never wanted a divorce at the same time

Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast