Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.

Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*

Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”

listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.

All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.

Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week

Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich

Therapist:

Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon

Therapist:

Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think

Therapist:

Me: Why do you look so sad

Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.

When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.

[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow

Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u

7: can we have an awake-over tonight?

me: an awake-over?

7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep

I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.

before you call me an idiot consider this: i know

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

[ riding into battle ]

YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY

“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”

“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”