Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

New Tinder profile.

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.

And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!

If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.

Sign at work today

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

The hardest thing Vision has to do

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.

You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.

I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”

My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.

Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out

My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.

Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.

When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.