First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
She puts the hot in psychotic
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O