First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.