First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
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Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
peak technology
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.