First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
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Eating for two.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
#winning
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home