Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

Girl: I like good boys

Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*

Why it’s so many prime days?

They broke ?

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

robbers: [leaving with my tv]

me: WAIT

robbers:

me: can you close the door

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

me: what kind of dog is that?

him: husky

me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Baby is born.

Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.

3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.

Me: Theeeere it is.

When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.

[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room

Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.

If you get butterflies in your stomach

You should probably stop eating insects

they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.

They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?