First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
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God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape