Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

me other days of the year: amazon is evil

me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??

You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.

Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails

Obviously that’s not true

We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings

Kids these days, I tell ya

Nobody:

Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month

“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”

I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.

She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.

Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.

[2 years and 250 boxes later]

Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”

Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

I like my women how I like my straws ….

Bendy and full of liquor.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

Cellmate: what did you do?

Me: robbed a bank.

Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?

Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.

Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”

Me: What do you want for Christmas?

Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.

Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.