[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
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I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
The Friday File.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
i get pissed off when i see things in my fridge starting to go bad like its the fridge. i feel like things should last forever in there. if i wanted you to go bad i wouldve kept you in my pantry
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
You can’t outrun your problems…
the thing about me is that i am ready to hate anyone’s boyfriend at a moment’s notice. i need approximately zero seconds to prepare. literally just lmk
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*