[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
You Might Also Like
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Meeeee too!
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
“Sheer Arrogance”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!