Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.

[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.

Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one

i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020

drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.

The way my phone’s facial recognition pretends not to recognize me, you’d think I dated it.

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?

Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

Bootstraps

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd

Waiting for the websites to start offering pizza instead of just cookies.

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why

Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me