[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
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me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
7: Dad what does this word mean
Me: Bring me a dictionary
*Smack up side the head
Me: Now go google that shit