[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
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Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.