Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato

they are potato chips

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

My favourite machine at the gym is the television.

Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”

*2 weeks later

[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”

Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“

[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*

you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand

Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.

So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.

“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”

ME: No, you’re still grounded

“No fair!”

ME: Yes, that’s what I said

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

The year twenty five😃
will bring us all the pie🥧
will bring us all the pie🎼🥁
(gets pie in the face)

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.

Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”

gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky

me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?

[Sherwood Forest]

LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me

ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…

LITTLE JOHN: Right

ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor

LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them

ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?

LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?