Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

a wizard dating app called bumbledore

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.

Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be

Friend: What have you been watching lately?

Me: Zoom

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.

WIFES FRIEND: Why?

[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]

ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.

I love snow

– People who never shovel

[ first date ]

Me. Do you take drugs?

Him. I never touch them.

Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?

*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent

Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!

My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.

If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.

once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’

4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’

Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.

[meeting]

BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan

ME: Perhapselline?

MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?

B: You’re incredible, Gary

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.