[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
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Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Kids these days don’t know the shame of having to explain yo-yo injuries.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.