[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
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It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
I have two dogs, one dominates, the other is a subwoofer.
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
Good news
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Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.