[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
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Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Pot warmers of the day.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
I know so many people with cats and only a tiny number of them went to a shelter and picked out a cat.
Everyone else I know with a cat has a story that’s like “yeah he just moved in.”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.