[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
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A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Ah, the suitcase at the end of the trip. Seeing all the things you brought but didn’t use. A time to reflect upon the lack of knowledge you have of yourself and the world around you.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.