[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
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Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Watching the Olympics I was inspired to get back out running as I’ve put quite a bit of timber on. Pulled a muscle trying to pull up my running socks. The mrs hasn’t stopped laughing
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Seas the day!!!!
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My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
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Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.