[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
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I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
i spent way too long on this
me: the actors-turned-podcasters interviewing other actors-turned-podcasters & asking each other questions as if each is interviewing each other for each other’s podcasts is the ultimate entertainment/broadcasting ouroboros.
my dog: woof! {i’m gonna try being a stray for a while
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Don’t forget to tip your server
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.