Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game

I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again

friend: so go back for seconds?

me: no probably longer than that

Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?

Batman: Sidekick

Robin: Close enough

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?

People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– you, because no matter how many times they deleted you from their contacts, the goddamn cloud brought you back

A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”

*gets called abnormal*

*checks for normal abs*

I’ve had worse

How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?

if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?

Me: Just brush your teeth.

Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.