[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
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GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
This Turtle was Found by U.S. Coast Guard with $53 million Worth of Cocaine Attached to It.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME: