[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
You Might Also Like
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*