[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
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every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Always a metermaid never a meter
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
[1st time doing the sex]
her: wanna get on top
me: uh, sure
[later]
me: [from the roof] are u…are u coming up