[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
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The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning