Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese

Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy

Just to piss off my kids

Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done

Also I have no idea how tampons work

If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning

friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out

me: old?

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.

Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:

“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”

“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”

“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”

The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.

Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

the answer was staring at me all along

I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.

I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.