Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

How do German people not choke to death when they talk

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two

I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.

His name was Pikup Andropov.

Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

[graduation]

…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*

[crowd cries]

*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”

interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any

me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses

Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?

Hey, fellas

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

My sister in law texted the family chain this morning “prime rib” completely out of the blue and not a single person has responded.

Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.

Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?

Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter

Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.

1. Go to party

2. Eat all cheese at party

3. Leave party

How does one answer this?

Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.

when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.

Me: Sounds great but I can’t go.

Them: Why?

Me: My car is haunted.

Them: Haunted?

Me: So haunted.

My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?