First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
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I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
lol
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.