Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Make sure you close the bag.

My kids:

Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”

I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.

why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?

No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do

Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.

I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”

People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.

I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi

You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.

-me giving holiday hosting advice

People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.

All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

LITTLE MERMAID 2016:

SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!

ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*

fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information

me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

blocked.

I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”

Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”

CEO: “Yes.”

[me as a ninja]

[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]

[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]