Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently in the moving elevator when I noticed this sign

*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets

Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?

Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!

A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!

Me: *smiling from ear to ear*

Plastic surgeon: My bad.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.

I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”

Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring

I’m saving my appetite for something pure

(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.

Her: You mean panic attacks?

Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

Me: I’m gonna go work on your car

Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭

[special ops briefing]

Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out

I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!

I’M STARVING!

-Me, on a Tuesday

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.

would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you