First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
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me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Damn what did I do next
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream?
Me: I don’t see why not.
5: Mommy said I couldn’t.
M: Hey, there’s the why not.
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
New comic up. “Ransom”
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you