Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.

-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.

My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.

People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?

We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm

I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

I don’t know what to do

The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.

this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now

Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?

Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.

Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.

“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”

My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.

ME: where’s Jim

GUY: your guess is as good as mi—

ME: the moon

GUY: ok no

Breaking News:

I did 3/16th of a complete push-up

lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to

I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,