Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

“There’s someone out there for everyone”.

A really vague Receptionist.

{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?

BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.

Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

When I said I liked it rough.

I once sneezed so hard that I set every clock back two hours, and the Sky Marshall had a little talk with me once we landed

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE

Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.

So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.

Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.

Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?

God: *wearing bird mask* BOO

Caterpillar: o000ö

God: haha jk it’s just me

Caterpillar: oOOOö

God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”

TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.

We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore

boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”

What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”

can’t see: birdbox

can’t talk: a quiet place

can’t touch: this