@evildadatron

[first date questions]

You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone

Whatever she’s probably vegan

You Might Also Like

@BDGarp

Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.

@JohnLyonTweets

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

@AndrewNadeau0

{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.

@_salt_n_lime

My husband seems suspicious of how often I leave the house to call my boyfriend. It’s like he doesn’t know communication is the key to a healthy relationship.

@Book_Krazy

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

@SortaBad

JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever

ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age

@jdforshort

If my body ran half as much as my mind did, I would never have to skip dessert

@TweetsByKaylee

mike wazowski: *rubs lamp*

genie: *emerging* what’s your first wish?

mike wazowski: i want revenge on pixar for giving me one eye

genie: *looks at the lamp*

lamp: *jumps on the pixar’s i*

genie: i for an eye 🙂