First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
You Might Also Like
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*
Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
[montage of me giving-up]
This could be us, but you weedin’.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)