First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
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me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Match dot com, but for socks.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I love watching people parallel park. It’s like a sporting event for me. There’s betting and snacks, I call friends to go over the highlights, and shout tips at the car. Don’t be fooled though, I am 100% rooting for you to fail
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )