First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
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WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
Sign at work today
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Essential oils? You mean WD40?
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf