[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
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Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
“Huge”.
