Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

I once had a tweet go bacterial.

[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

[interrupts Pink Floyd]

“Actually, it’s AN education”

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”

Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”

I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.

Courageously battles through my ice cream headache

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…

…or a giant gorilla.

~Super Mario’s mom probably

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look

Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?

ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume