Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

same vibe as tangled headphones

Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom

“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.

stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did

michael scott: that’s what she said

I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

The Burt Reynolds in me says go for it, but the Wile E. Coyote in me knows how it’ll end.

Will Smith’s “Bad Boys: Ride or Die” opened to an estimated $56M in theaters over the weekend. Which is great! Anything less than that would’ve been a slap in the face.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted

The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.

Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!

Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.

Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.

Me:

I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”

Wife: Could you be dehydrated?

Me: Of course not.

W: How much water have you had?

Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.

W: Wow.

Me: Told you.

When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”

I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast

my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.

*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*

“Ooh, that IS risky.”

Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..