[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
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My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
This is me 🤣🤣
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?