Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*