Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
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*sits at bar and loosens tie after a tough day at the office*
Me: Make it a large one
Bartender: One large milk coming up
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I’ve been tweeting for 10 hours straight…and 3 hours gay.
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
DATE: It’s expensive here.
ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy