@dannyboy7813

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

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@SladeWentworth

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

@Gupton68

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

@PleaseBeGneiss

WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas

ME: k

[Christmas morning]

WIFE: um

PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*

ME: you should open that one first

@MrEd_EVH

Me – how about a Border Collie

Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding

Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?

@XplodingUnicorn

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

@rebrafsim

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

@handsock_butts

date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

@sofarrsogud

WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.

ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!