@dannyboy7813

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.

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@T_Bonezzz_

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

@jazmasta

*sits at bar and loosens tie after a tough day at the office*
Bartender: Usual?
Me: Make it a large one
Bartender: One large milk coming up

@Quartzjixler

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

@TheIronSherk

If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”

What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?

@El_Emeno

I’ve been tweeting for 10 hours straight…and 3 hours gay.

@Megatronic13

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like Iโ€™m running out of options here.

@chrellsangel

DATE: It’s expensive here.

ME: That’s okay, I’m not paying.

@randomover2

If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.

@Reverend_Scott

[running away from killer]

KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U

ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO

KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO

@TheCatWhisprer

[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy