First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
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Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
I’m not saying I’m a magician, but I can make all of your clothes disappear fast
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.