Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back

Dad: I was just resting my eyes

LOL

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist

People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.

Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.

I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.

Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”

I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.

Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine

What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go

my nickname in college

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns

Me: I’ll have a medium coffee

Barista: That’ll be $3.95

Me: With a splash of almond milk

Barista: That’ll be $17.95

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now

First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!

Also family: Have a baby 🙂

*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.

Gf: Let’s role-play

Me: Ok you be a writer

Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write

Me: ooh that’s good