Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.

Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless

Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go

Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit

A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem

A tired woman is a mean woman.

Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.

I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.

– Yoda does Hamlet

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope

Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?

I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.

I’m just playing devils avocado here

jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

Me: have a good day make good choices!

My kid: no promises!

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*