[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Hear me out.
CROUTON BANGLES.
We have the technology.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
For those of you wondering how many Reese’s cups you can eat without having a Reese’s cup hangover the next day, the answer is less than 18
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
