Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”

– The Swiss Army

Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.

Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.

internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket

[Texting]

My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike

Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast

Netflix: Are you still there?

Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?

Love it! 👍😂

Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs

i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”

That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.

April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”

I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone

Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.

[First day as a private investigator]

*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound

*Gets murdered

BEARD PROGRESSION:
1. Clean shaven babyface.
2. Cool stubble.
3. Rugged.
4. Homeless man.
5. Psycho killer.
6. Religious nutjob.
7. Wizard.

So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.