Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.

Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.

[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.

This cat wants you to take your pills

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?

To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track

My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak

Wolves should really raise more people.

“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.