Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.

I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.

Acronyms got me like WTF?

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

best review i’ve ever seen

Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.

Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.

you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too

[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻‍♀️

A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.

*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*

You cold, bro?

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs

My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.

Wife: Can we eat outside?

Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.

Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’

Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.

1996: My loneliness is killin’ me

2020: That’s cute.

The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder