(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
You Might Also Like
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
multitasking lunch
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”