Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
You Might Also Like
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?
Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.
What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
things I’m passionate about: The Rule of Threes, self referential humor, and the Oxford comma.