@karanbirtinna

(First date with a Chinese girl)

Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?

Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…

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@Parkerlawyer

Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.

Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”

@omarIoya

flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm

my parents at 4 am:

@Cheeseboy22

My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.

@carlyken

[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?

Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few

@copymama

5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.

@zaiush_sarel

People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb

@beerfartchamp

I just witnessed a co worker eat a cupcake with no frosting.

What kind of devil worshiping nonsense is this?

@RawBeanCoal

A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy

@counterfeitingl

When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him

@tehaveragejoel

things I’m passionate about: The Rule of Threes, self referential humor, and the Oxford comma.