[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
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I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?