Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
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Amazon is selling used copies of 50 Shades….ewe
Note to self: I am a note
god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*takes a nap*
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body
I’m an avid indoorsman.