@dave_cactus

[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.

@parttimewinner

god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys

god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!

@jctwritesstuff

*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*

Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.

*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*

@Cpin42

The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming

@GrantTanaka

kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people

@HomeWithPeanut

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

@peanusts

elon musk is what happens when the ghost of a 14 y/o who died in 2011 and the ghost of a 19th century oil baron try to possess the same body